内容

在绝望中选择“遗忘”
Power of forgiveness in the aftermath of tragedy

 
 
1984年11月份,在一个多雪的下午,13岁的女孩坎蒂森 德克森(Candace Derksen)在她温尼伯的学校里失踪了。七个星期后,她的尸体被发现在一个旧机械棚里,双手被一条麻绳绑在背后,脸颊上布满了红色的冻疮。在她失踪的当天就被冻死了。随后这个案子就没有了下落,直到二十年后的今天,一个当地社区内患有精神分裂症的年轻人被指控犯有谋杀罪,坎蒂森的案子才有了着落。

On a snowy winter afternoon of Nov. 1984, 13-year-old school girl Candace Derksen went missing from her Winnipeg school. Seven weeks later, her body was found in an old machinery shed, with hands bound and tied at her back by a twine and cheeks frostbitten red. She was helplessly left to freeze to death on the same day she disappeared. The case had been turned cold until two decades later, when a young man from the local community suffering schizophrenia was charged with murder.  


虽然儿童谋杀案件并不常见,但每次发生还是会令人震惊不已,对受害者的家人和朋友们会造成灾难性的影响。我们中许多人听说过有关儿童被杀案件,在我邻居家的一名9岁女孩被谋杀后,我也对这类灾难给家人所带来的巨大痛苦有了直接的目睹和体验。

Children murder, while mercifully rare, is a disturbing crime that has a catastrophic impact to the family and friends. Many of us have heard about children murder cases, and I’ve witnessed firsthand the aftermath of horrific murder that took away the life of a 9-year-old girl from her family in my neighbourhood.  


许多家庭悲痛欲绝,面临着失去孩子后的多种折磨。除了失去孩子的极大的痛苦之外,他们经常被警察当作嫌犯或成为八卦网站的议论目标。在有违作父母责任的指责和长期内疚的折磨之中,他们还要忍受公众的怀疑和朋友的背叛。

Many grieving families face triple whammy of losing their children to murder. While facing darkness of sorrow and abyss of agony, they would often be in the crosshair of police investigation or become the targets of online gossip sites. On top of bad parenting blames and constant feelings of guilt, there are also friends’ betrayals and public distrust.   


这种悲剧可以吞噬一个家庭,剥夺他们视为珍贵的东西 - 包括对已故孩子的回忆。这一灾难可以彻底摧毁他们的生活,并对他们的身心健康造成严重的损害。它还会使夫妻关系变得紧张,让家庭陷入崩溃的危机之中。研究显示,90%的夫妇在子女死亡后的几个月内会出现严重的婚姻障碍。

The tragedy can swallow a family and destroy what they value the most – including memories of their deceased child. It can ruin their life and take a heavy toll on their mental and physical health. It may also put a strain in the couples’ relationship, leaving families in the crisis of breakdown, as research indicates that 90 per cent of couples are in serious marital difficulty within months after the death of their child.


科学研究也为造成危机的主要罪魁做出定义,那就是处于灾难之中的人们被越来越强烈的恐惧感,愤怒感和仇恨感所吞噬。但负面情绪是经历悲伤后的自然反应。父母及家人们因孩子被冷酷的谋杀而感到痛心疾首;他们为罪犯的逍遥法外感到沮丧;为正义未得到伸张而愤慨; 在他们处于即将崩溃的边缘时,他们因被谣言中伤,被公众怀疑,甚至还受到侮辱性的攻击而痛不欲生。

Studies have also identified the major cause of the crisis—the intensified fear, anger and hatred that increasingly engulfs those in mourning. But negative emotions are natural reactions in the grief journey. The families feel angry at the senseless killing that caused their heart wrenching loss.  They feel frustrated that the perpetrator was still on the loose and that the justice has not been served; They feel mad for being revictimized by rumours, suspicions and abusive attacks while they are in the edge or breakdown. 


毫无疑问,德克森一家(Derkens)在他们的女儿坎迪斯消失后也出现了类似的感情创伤。但是,他们做出了一个不同寻常的选择 - 选择去原谅,忘记和宽容,试图以爱和同情去理解那个他们认为在生活中遭遇种种坎坷的凶手。他们相信这是唯一能让他们劫后余生的,能挽救他们的婚姻和家庭,并确保他们不会让悲剧将自己的生活全部吞噬的途径。

Undoubtedly, Derkens were in the similar emotional turmoil after their daughter Candace vanished. But they’ve made a radical choice – to forgive, forget and let go, trying to love and be sympathetic to the killer who, they assumed, faced a hardship in life.  They believe it is the only way to survive the aftermath, to save their marriage and the family, and to ensure they won’t let themselves be consumed by the tragedy. 


但这是一个与人的本性相违背的选择,并在当时引起了很大的争议,很多人对他们的选择横加指责,说他们是在纵容谋杀。

But it was a radical choice that went contrary to people’s instincts. It has sparked a big controversy at the time, prompting criticisms that they were condoning murder. 


然而,德克森一家的宽恕决定并非完全以原谅凶手为核心,而是竭力以不让凶手摧毁他们生活为主线。 他们选择随遇而安,选择从灾难中寻找生机。他们的选择被证明是无价的,让他们一家的命运在几十年来发生很大改变。今天,威尔玛(坎蒂森的母亲)成了一名作家,著书记载他们的家庭生活历程。惨案发生时年仅9岁的二女儿如今成为了一名艺术家,他们的小儿子成为了一名临床心理学家。

However, Derkens’ forgiveness did not focus on the murderer. It is about fighting hard to keep him from destroying their lives; it is about accepting whatever life gives to them and embracing the opportunities created in it. Their powerful choice has turned out to be gold and made a huge difference over the decades. Today, Wilma (Candace’s mother) is a writer and a chronicler of her family’s own story; Their second daughter who was 9 when Candace was murdered has become an artist and their youngest son owned a phycological practice. 


“如果32年前我们选择去等待公正的降临,你能想像我们现在会是什么样的吗?我们只会将我们的生命和生活搁浅。但是我们还有另外两个孩子,你知道吗,所以我们不得不说,我们的选择是对的。生活给我们的一切都是好的。“

“If we had waited for justice 32 years ago, can you imagine where we’d be? We would just have put our whole lives on a shelf. And we have two other children, so we’ve had to say, you know what, this is good. All of life is good.”
 
 
 

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