华裔家长应从詹妮弗·潘谋杀父母事件中吸取什么教训？

 

这是一个当年震惊全多伦多的故事。一个痛恨自己亲生父母的女儿雇凶谋杀父母的故事。而在父母的眼中, 他们的女儿詹妮弗-潘是个完美无缺的好学生。在父母的期望和压力下，詹妮弗营造了她生活表面的一面，但最终在谎言下破裂。

It was a story that definitely shocked people throughout the city, how a daughter could devise a plan to have both her parents killed out of hatred. Jennifer Pan was the perfect student, in the eyes of her parents. The expectations and pressure of her parents created her façade of a life, eventually cracking under the lie.

 

詹妮弗的父母是加拿大许多移民成功故事中的一个。除了两个孩子外, 他们几乎两手空空来到加拿大。他们希望自己的孩子们在加拿大会步他们的后尘, 勤劳致富。詹妮弗是一个大有前途的子孩。上小学时, 她在钢琴和花样滑冰方面表现出众，而且把目标放在2010年的温哥华冬季奥运会上。她是父母眼中的宠儿。

Her parents were your typical classic examples of the Canadian immigrant success story. Having two kids and coming to the country with basically nothing, they expected their kids to work just as hard as they had did when establishing their lives in Canada. Jennifer was a promised child, she excelled in elementary school along with piano and figure skating, having sights on Vancouver 2010, she was the ideal child to her parents.

 

珍妮弗的学习成绩在高中开始走下坡路，没有大学接收她。为了不让父母失望，她谎称自己每天去大学上课, 而事实是她连高中都没毕业。谎言最终被识破, 她开始崩溃。现在，每个人都知道詹妮弗故事的悲惨的结局，她企图谋杀她的父母, 并造成自己的母亲被杀身亡。

As Jennifer’s grades began to drop in high school, losing her university acceptances, the façade came to light when she didn’t want to disappoint her parents, claiming she was attending school when in fact she was not even a high school graduate. Eventually the lies consumed her and began to crumble. Everyone who knows Jennifer’s story knows the tragic end, the attempted murder of her father and the death of her mother.

 

詹妮弗的悲剧揭示了虎妈或直升机父母们的育儿方式所造成的后果。这种育儿方式在中国移民父母中也很普遍。我有许多同学在与詹妮弗类似的压力下长大。他们被父母禁止外出，整天学习，当他们没有取得最好的成绩时，他们会担心父母的脸色而哭泣。

Her story brings to light the effects of tiger/helicopter parenting, the toll it takes on the children, and the common appearance of this parenting in Chinese immigrants. I had friends growing up who were under the same amount of pressure that Jennifer had. They weren’t allowed to go out, they studied all day, when they didn’t have the best grades, they would cry out of fear on what their parents would say.

 

詹妮弗的故事揭示了这种育儿方式对孩子的影响。我的一个朋友直到高中毕业才脱离了父母直升机式的监管。像珍妮弗这样一个有前途的孩子，在她年幼时就得肩负起这么重的期望负担。她表明看来是个十全十美的女孩。她学习成绩好，参与多项课外活动，而且是一只社交蝴蝶。然而，这一切只是她隐瞒自己所面临的困难和压力的面具。

Her story uncovered the aspects of how damaging such a parenting style affects kids. One of my friends was helicoptered until graduation. As a promising child like Jennifer when she was young, she was burdened with so many expectations. From the outside, she looked like the perfect girl. She had high grades, amazing extra curricular activities, and was just a social butterfly. However, just like Jennifer, it was a mask hiding the actual hardships and pressure she faced from her parents.

 

我的这位同学与珍妮弗一样，有严重的焦虑症和精神压迫症，失眠和疲惫时常伴随着她。虽然她是我们这类学生中的佼佼者，但她的故事告诉我，她没有开心的时候。我记得她在一次考试后得了93分，而大家的平均成绩只有65分。我们都期望她会开心，然而她却在哭泣。在安慰她时，她总是不停的念叨：“我怎么才能告诉我父母这个成绩？”

Like Jennfier, My friend suffered high anxiety and stress, sleepless nights and constant exhaustion. Although she was the top of our class, she opened up to me and told me she was never happy. I remember she received a 93 on a test that the class average was a mere 65. We all expected her to be happy, when instead she was in tears. Comforting her, all she would tell me was “what am I going to tell my parents?”.

 

我们都为她的这种挣扎而难受，尽管她获得了无数个的奖状。她所做的一切从来不是为了她自己，而是如何向父母交代。最终，她被这种压力挤垮了。在进入她最喜爱的学校，并且获得了能让自己自食其力的OSAP和奖学金后，她离开了父母，并从那时起就再也不与他们联络。像詹妮弗一样，她憎恨她的父母，但还没有到想灭掉他们的地步。她告诉我，她不想再和父母有任何关系。大学两年了，她还没有回去拜见自己的父母。

What hurt was seeing her struggle, despite receiving numerous awards, it was never for herself, but for her parents. Eventually, she cracked under the pressure. After getting into her top choice of school, she had OSAP and scholarships pay for everything fully. She cut her parents out of her life and moved away, and hasn’t had contact with them ever since. Like Jennifer, she resents her parents, not to the point of wanting them dead, but she told me that she doesn’t want anything to do with her parents again. After two years, she still hasn’t seen her parents since.

 

我讲珍妮弗的故事是希望父母们认识到，这种养育文化是错误的。在我年幼时，我的母亲对我的要求绝对比我爸爸更高。当然，她对我还没有到珍妮弗和我同学父母的那种程度。但是，由于我不是中小学同学中那种最聪明的孩子，我非常害怕看我的考试成绩，担心我母亲对我失望。

The hope of Jennifer’s story is for parents to realize this parenting style is wrong. My mother, when I was young, was definitely harder on me than my dad ever was. Granted, she wasn’t as bad to the extent of my friend’s parents and Jennifer’s, but not being the smartest child in elementary and middle school, I was very scared of my results and her disappointment in me.

 

不知道詹妮弗的故事是否启发了我的母亲，还是她自己改变了对我的教育方式，我的母亲后来不再叨叨我的哥哥在学校表现多好而对我施加压力。也正因为此，我和我的哥哥都自己做主，设定自己的标准和目标，并达到和超过了这些标准和目标。最终，我和哥哥都进了顶尖的商学院，而且学习成绩高于平均水平。

Whether it was Jennifer’s story that opened her eyes, or just a change in parenting in general, my mother stopped putting pressure and stress on me and my brother to do well in school. Because both my brother and I had freedom to do as we please, we set our own standards and goals, exceeding them, and both ending up in top business schools and high averages.

 

读了珍妮弗的悲剧故事，即使要杀掉自己的父母，我真的为她感到遗憾。在成长的过程中，她没有自由，她只是父母手中的一个木偶，只能做她父母想要她做的事。难怪她要一个接一个的撒谎，并在各种压力下得了精神病并彻底崩溃。

If anything, reading Jennifer’s tragic story, despite wanting to murder both her parents, I felt sorrow for her. She grew up with no freedom, her life was lived as a puppet for her parents ideals. Creating lies upon lies, it’s no wonder she was mentally sick and collapsed under all the pressure.

 

更悲哀的是，许多孩子仍然与珍妮弗有同样的压力。我们明白父母们都是为了我们好，想让我们过上一个成功的生活。遗憾的是，虎妈式的育儿方法摧毁了父母与子女的亲情，孩子的信心和孩子的个性。看到你孩子的成功永远是件乐事，但是，如果这种成功伴随着大量的精神伤疤，你觉得这么做值吗？

The saddest part? There are numerous kids who are living with the same pressure Jennifer had. We understand that our parents just want the best for us, and to live a successful life, but tiger parenting destroys relationships, confidence, and your child’s individual personality. Seeing your child succeed is fantastic, but was it worth the mental scars you left behind?