妈妈去世后，我被一个问题深深困扰（自述）
Contribution: Mom’s final days make me grapple with a mind-boggling question
来源: 大中网/096.ca 南茜(Nancy Jin)
我的母亲活着时患有疾病焦虑症， 常常是一点点身体不舒服就会让她精神恐慌，担心自己患上了像癌症这类不治之症。在她和我居住多伦多这三十年时间里，我陪她做过的医疗检查不知多少次，每次都是因为她因一点点小病痛就让她焦虑不安，夜不能寐。虽然每次检查结果都让她松了一口气，但却不断增加我的担忧，即一旦有一天癌症真的找上门来，她对疾病的焦虑会让她比一般癌症病人遭受更大的精神痛苦。
今天你也许关心的话题：
多伦多华人社区呼吁人们本周末参加干细胞捐赠登记
社论转载: 一份令人震惊的绿化带报告揭露了福特政府的偏袒行为
新车平均车价突破 66,000元，加拿大车主不得不勒紧裤腰带
My mother suffered from a health anxiety disorder when she was alive. Even a slightly abnormal physical condition would trigger her panic thoughts about the worst outcomes, such as cancer. Over the thirty years that she lived with me in Toronto, I accompanied her to numerous medical tests as her bouts of anxiety, brought on by some minor pain, gripped her and left her unable to sleep peacefully at night. While each medical exam cleared her concerns, it amplified my worries that her mental disorder would cause her far more distress than an average cancer patient if cancer indeed struck her one day.
那一天在妈妈91岁时还是到来了。 在今天一月她因摔坏了腿而不得不卧床，胸部X光片显示她肺部患有肿块。我们实在无法忍受眼睁睁地看她在摔倒后还要面临罹患癌症这一噩耗，因此决定不再进行进一步检查并对她隐瞒病情。但妈妈还是觉察到了大事不妙，她开始不停的咳嗽，并呼吸困难。一天深夜救护车在疾呼声中把她带到医院急诊室，而更坏的消息接踵而至。CT扫描显示她的肺癌发展迅速，已转移到了呼吸道，不仅使她左肺被完全堵塞，同时气管也因癌肿而狭窄。医生告诉我说：“她活不了多久了，且由于疾病的折磨，她剩下的日子会非常痛苦。”
And that day eventually came when she was 91. A chest X-ray revealed a tumor in her lung after a bad fall in January that left her bedridden. We cringed at the prospect of her struggling to recover from the fall while facing the distress caused by terminal illness. Worried and intimidated, we decided not to pursue further tests for diagnosis and chose to keep the news from her. But mom sensed something was wrong, as she began coughing incessantly and experiencing difficulty breathing. A late-night visit to the emergency room led to even more devastating news. A CT scan showed the cancer in her lung had aggressively progressed and spread to her airway, causing her left lung to be blocked while severely narrowing her windpipe. The doctor told me: “She won’t have much time left, and her cancer could make her last days extremely painful.”
医生的话让我不寒而栗，也更加剧了对她将面临无法承受这一精神打击的担忧。尽管我仍极力想隐瞒检查结果和医生的预后，但我红肿的眼睛却再难隐瞒。她盯着我看了一会，短暂的吃惊和悲伤表情过后，却表现出人意料的理智和沉着。人们在发现自己身患绝症后通常都经过四个阶段，从否认到愤怒到沮丧到最终的接受，但妈妈似乎跳过了前三个阶段而直接进入的接受期。“咱们回家吧！”她平静地对我说。“要死也死在在亲人的怀里，不想死在医院的冰冷的床上。”
The doctors’ words terrified me, heightening my fear over her mental ability to cope. Despite my effort to hide the test results and the doctor’s prognoses from her, my swollen eyes gave it away. After a brief expression of shock and sadness, she surprisingly reacted with rationality and composure. While people would move through four phases after finding out about their terminal illness – denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, Mom seemed to enter acceptance directly and very quickly. “Let’s go home,” she said calmly to me. “I want to die in the arms of my loved ones, not on the cold bed of the hospital.”
妈在出院三天后就去世了，走得如此之快以至于我根本来不及和她进行任何深入的交谈。在氧气瓶和轻量的止痛药吗啡作用下，她没有显示出任何身体或精神上痛苦迹象，在睡梦中安静地离去了。临别的前一个晚上，尽管伴随着咳嗽和呼吸困难，她还是享用了一顿丰盛的晚餐，饭后开心地听着我成年子女们的交谈，然后帮我缝补上了裤子上的一个口子。与我所料完全相反，她走得如此轻松，与患此类重症病人很可能会遭受的痛苦丝毫无染。她的临终关怀医生帕特森医生满意地对我说：“你妈妈幸免了所患疾病可能会带来的极可怕的死亡结局，我认为今天是我50年职业生涯中最满足的一天！”
Mom died three days after the hospital visit, too soon for me to have deep conversations with her. With the help of an oxygen tank and very light doses of hydromorphone to relieve pain, she showed no sign of physical or mental distress and passed away peacefully in her sleep. The night before leaving us, Mom enjoyed a large meal, listened to the conversations among my adult children after dinner with delight, and helped me sew a rip in my pants, despite struggling with coughing and labored breathing. Contrary to what I had anticipated, she experienced a good death, much better than most patients with a severe terminal illness. “Your mother was spared from the nightmare death scenarios likely brought by her illness,” Dr. Paterson, her palliative doctor, told me with contentment during his visit right after Mom’s passing. “I consider today one of the best days in my 50 years of career.”
妈妈的安详离世让我感到极大安慰，也使我免于经历我所最为担心的，即她将百遭痛苦折磨可怕的场面。妈妈死了之后，悲痛之余的我却被一个问题久久困扰：鉴于她以往所患健康焦虑症，以及以往轻微身体不适就会给她带了极度心理困扰的历史，她怎么会如此平静地接受自己的命运，如此优雅地为自己的生命历程画上了句号？
Mom’s good death has brought me tremendous comfort， sparing me from the dramatic outcome I dreaded. Since Mom’s passing, I’ve been gripped by a mind-boggling question as I grappled with her loss: How could she accept her fate so calmly and come to terms with the end-of-life journey with such grace? It has especially baffled me, given her previous conditions of health anxiety and the history of psychological distress over any minor physical discomfort.
也许我过于关注她的焦虑症却忽略她性格中的顽强和隐忍一面，以及她那种能从容走出任何困境的惊人能力。 妈的一生经历了诸多磨难，从幼年丧父的悲痛，到文革挨整，再到晚年早期痛失我的父亲。但是不论处境多遭，环境多恶劣，她总能找到自身的力量战胜厄运，振作起来，继续前行。
Perhaps I was too focused on her anxiety but overlooked her incredible strength and resilience – her remarkable ability to bounce back from all adversities. She faced numerous hardships throughout her life -- from losing her father as a child to enduring the terror of the Cultural Revolution to the painful loss of my father in her early senior years. However, she could always find strength and put difficulties behind her, pulling herself together and pressing on.
妈有一颗火热和忠诚的爱心，总是对他人，特别是从我和我姐姐的家人到她在中国的侄子和侄女们这些她最近亲的人充满了关爱。她的坚韧和对他人倾注的爱在她生病后获得了应有的回报。来自家人，朋友和亲戚的关心和支持奔涌而至，而来自加拿大医疗系统，从医生到护士和护工的无微不至的照料和关怀更是难以言表。
Mom had a loving and loyal heart, always caring deeply for her friends and loved ones, especially those in her inner circle – from my family and sister nearby to her niece and nephews in China. Mom’s character strength, love, and compassion got amply rewarded after she fell ill. The outpouring of care and support from family, friends, and relatives was overwhelming, and the care and assistance from Canadian hospitals, doctors, and nurses were beyond words.
也许所有这一切都减轻了她对死亡的恐惧和焦虑，让她能在平静和安详中度过生命的最后时光。妈临终时刻写在脸上的镇定和从容是她内心舒适和满足的体现，是尊严，坚毅，和人类爱心在人生最艰难和悲痛时刻的力量和作用的高度体现。而正是这种体现让妈欣慰而轻松地走完了荆棘密布的人生最后的旅程。
Perhaps all these factors significantly alleviated her anxiety and fears, allowing her to face her last days with grace and acceptance. The peace and composure she maintained in the final moment of her life reflected her immense internal satisfaction and comfort, underscoring the differences made by resilience, love, and human connection. These qualities made a seemingly devastating final life journey much smoother and less painful.
今天你也许关心的话题：
多伦多华人社区呼吁人们本周末参加干细胞捐赠登记
社论转载: 一份令人震惊的绿化带报告揭露了福特政府的偏袒行为
新车平均车价突破 66,000元，加拿大车主不得不勒紧裤腰带
My mother suffered from a health anxiety disorder when she was alive. Even a slightly abnormal physical condition would trigger her panic thoughts about the worst outcomes, such as cancer. Over the thirty years that she lived with me in Toronto, I accompanied her to numerous medical tests as her bouts of anxiety, brought on by some minor pain, gripped her and left her unable to sleep peacefully at night. While each medical exam cleared her concerns, it amplified my worries that her mental disorder would cause her far more distress than an average cancer patient if cancer indeed struck her one day.
那一天在妈妈91岁时还是到来了。 在今天一月她因摔坏了腿而不得不卧床，胸部X光片显示她肺部患有肿块。我们实在无法忍受眼睁睁地看她在摔倒后还要面临罹患癌症这一噩耗，因此决定不再进行进一步检查并对她隐瞒病情。但妈妈还是觉察到了大事不妙，她开始不停的咳嗽，并呼吸困难。一天深夜救护车在疾呼声中把她带到医院急诊室，而更坏的消息接踵而至。CT扫描显示她的肺癌发展迅速，已转移到了呼吸道，不仅使她左肺被完全堵塞，同时气管也因癌肿而狭窄。医生告诉我说：“她活不了多久了，且由于疾病的折磨，她剩下的日子会非常痛苦。”
And that day eventually came when she was 91. A chest X-ray revealed a tumor in her lung after a bad fall in January that left her bedridden. We cringed at the prospect of her struggling to recover from the fall while facing the distress caused by terminal illness. Worried and intimidated, we decided not to pursue further tests for diagnosis and chose to keep the news from her. But mom sensed something was wrong, as she began coughing incessantly and experiencing difficulty breathing. A late-night visit to the emergency room led to even more devastating news. A CT scan showed the cancer in her lung had aggressively progressed and spread to her airway, causing her left lung to be blocked while severely narrowing her windpipe. The doctor told me: “She won’t have much time left, and her cancer could make her last days extremely painful.”
医生的话让我不寒而栗，也更加剧了对她将面临无法承受这一精神打击的担忧。尽管我仍极力想隐瞒检查结果和医生的预后，但我红肿的眼睛却再难隐瞒。她盯着我看了一会，短暂的吃惊和悲伤表情过后，却表现出人意料的理智和沉着。人们在发现自己身患绝症后通常都经过四个阶段，从否认到愤怒到沮丧到最终的接受，但妈妈似乎跳过了前三个阶段而直接进入的接受期。“咱们回家吧！”她平静地对我说。“要死也死在在亲人的怀里，不想死在医院的冰冷的床上。”
The doctors’ words terrified me, heightening my fear over her mental ability to cope. Despite my effort to hide the test results and the doctor’s prognoses from her, my swollen eyes gave it away. After a brief expression of shock and sadness, she surprisingly reacted with rationality and composure. While people would move through four phases after finding out about their terminal illness – denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, Mom seemed to enter acceptance directly and very quickly. “Let’s go home,” she said calmly to me. “I want to die in the arms of my loved ones, not on the cold bed of the hospital.”
妈在出院三天后就去世了，走得如此之快以至于我根本来不及和她进行任何深入的交谈。在氧气瓶和轻量的止痛药吗啡作用下，她没有显示出任何身体或精神上痛苦迹象，在睡梦中安静地离去了。临别的前一个晚上，尽管伴随着咳嗽和呼吸困难，她还是享用了一顿丰盛的晚餐，饭后开心地听着我成年子女们的交谈，然后帮我缝补上了裤子上的一个口子。与我所料完全相反，她走得如此轻松，与患此类重症病人很可能会遭受的痛苦丝毫无染。她的临终关怀医生帕特森医生满意地对我说：“你妈妈幸免了所患疾病可能会带来的极可怕的死亡结局，我认为今天是我50年职业生涯中最满足的一天！”
Mom died three days after the hospital visit, too soon for me to have deep conversations with her. With the help of an oxygen tank and very light doses of hydromorphone to relieve pain, she showed no sign of physical or mental distress and passed away peacefully in her sleep. The night before leaving us, Mom enjoyed a large meal, listened to the conversations among my adult children after dinner with delight, and helped me sew a rip in my pants, despite struggling with coughing and labored breathing. Contrary to what I had anticipated, she experienced a good death, much better than most patients with a severe terminal illness. “Your mother was spared from the nightmare death scenarios likely brought by her illness,” Dr. Paterson, her palliative doctor, told me with contentment during his visit right after Mom’s passing. “I consider today one of the best days in my 50 years of career.”
妈妈的安详离世让我感到极大安慰，也使我免于经历我所最为担心的，即她将百遭痛苦折磨可怕的场面。妈妈死了之后，悲痛之余的我却被一个问题久久困扰：鉴于她以往所患健康焦虑症，以及以往轻微身体不适就会给她带了极度心理困扰的历史，她怎么会如此平静地接受自己的命运，如此优雅地为自己的生命历程画上了句号？
Mom’s good death has brought me tremendous comfort， sparing me from the dramatic outcome I dreaded. Since Mom’s passing, I’ve been gripped by a mind-boggling question as I grappled with her loss: How could she accept her fate so calmly and come to terms with the end-of-life journey with such grace? It has especially baffled me, given her previous conditions of health anxiety and the history of psychological distress over any minor physical discomfort.
也许我过于关注她的焦虑症却忽略她性格中的顽强和隐忍一面，以及她那种能从容走出任何困境的惊人能力。 妈的一生经历了诸多磨难，从幼年丧父的悲痛，到文革挨整，再到晚年早期痛失我的父亲。但是不论处境多遭，环境多恶劣，她总能找到自身的力量战胜厄运，振作起来，继续前行。
Perhaps I was too focused on her anxiety but overlooked her incredible strength and resilience – her remarkable ability to bounce back from all adversities. She faced numerous hardships throughout her life -- from losing her father as a child to enduring the terror of the Cultural Revolution to the painful loss of my father in her early senior years. However, she could always find strength and put difficulties behind her, pulling herself together and pressing on.
妈有一颗火热和忠诚的爱心，总是对他人，特别是从我和我姐姐的家人到她在中国的侄子和侄女们这些她最近亲的人充满了关爱。她的坚韧和对他人倾注的爱在她生病后获得了应有的回报。来自家人，朋友和亲戚的关心和支持奔涌而至，而来自加拿大医疗系统，从医生到护士和护工的无微不至的照料和关怀更是难以言表。
Mom had a loving and loyal heart, always caring deeply for her friends and loved ones, especially those in her inner circle – from my family and sister nearby to her niece and nephews in China. Mom’s character strength, love, and compassion got amply rewarded after she fell ill. The outpouring of care and support from family, friends, and relatives was overwhelming, and the care and assistance from Canadian hospitals, doctors, and nurses were beyond words.
也许所有这一切都减轻了她对死亡的恐惧和焦虑，让她能在平静和安详中度过生命的最后时光。妈临终时刻写在脸上的镇定和从容是她内心舒适和满足的体现，是尊严，坚毅，和人类爱心在人生最艰难和悲痛时刻的力量和作用的高度体现。而正是这种体现让妈欣慰而轻松地走完了荆棘密布的人生最后的旅程。
Perhaps all these factors significantly alleviated her anxiety and fears, allowing her to face her last days with grace and acceptance. The peace and composure she maintained in the final moment of her life reflected her immense internal satisfaction and comfort, underscoring the differences made by resilience, love, and human connection. These qualities made a seemingly devastating final life journey much smoother and less painful.
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